In Dharan(city of Nepal) I worked as a teacher for Rs. 700 (about 10 USD) per month. It was enough during the initial days but not later. To make ends meet, I started tutoring students and used to make up to Rs. 4,000 (about 60 USD) each month. But that too couldn’t satiate my needs and worse, the police had got the hint of my addiction and were in pursuit of me. However, I was lucky as my parents had lodged a complaint regarding my disappearance. The police couldn’t do anything but brought me in contact with my parents. I returned to Kathmandu (capital city of Nepal).
Once before in Kathmandu, a gentleman had come up to me while I was about to pull brown sugar in a restaurant. He asked me coldly, “Are you coming with me or not?” I was dumbfounded. I didn’t know him. He asked again and it occurred to me that I had been trapped. He was a cop. He took me to the police station and asked for my purse. I handed it to him. He started digging into it but found nothing. No drugs, no money. I found it out later that they had arrested me on suspicion of being a prostitute. Yes, it’s common among cops to regard female drug users as prostitutes. But they didn’t harass me. They asked for my identification and I gave them a fake one. They demanded a bribe but I didn’t have cash. I deposited my gold necklace and watch for Rs. 7,000 and walked home.
It had been enough now. I was sick and tired. I wanted to walk away from the deep abyss of loss and misery. I t was when a friend of mine introduced me to a therapy called ‘cold turkey’ in which you take cold showers when you feel sick and crave drugs. I kept trying it. I also started to get involved in anti-drug campaigns to avoid drugs. After seven or eight months of constant practice and involvement, I started to feel better. I found a job in a call center. But I relapsed again after a couple of weeks. It was alcohol this time. As the final resort, I was sent to a meditation center in New Delhi. It was not a rehabilitation center but helped drug addicts get out of addiction through medication. But I couldn’t stand the hot weather and returned and vowed to lead my own struggle. I still suffer but try hard not to lose balance. Years of addiction have taken a severe toll on my physical and mental health. My muscles hurt as I move and I am prone to common cold all through the year. I am suffering from low self-esteem.
I have lost my family, My mother is not ready to accept me as her child. My sister is in the UK working as a staff nurse and brother has made a good name in the Nepali music field. But I feel I am at the crossroads. I work for an NGO called ‘Dristi Nepal’ which I started with my friends. We work for the recovery of female drug users and assist them in kicking their addiction. To be a female drug user has proved to be the greatest curse for me. I was fortunate enough to resist sick male hands on my body but many girls get raped while they are high on drugs. They tend to submit to manipulators for an ounce of the substance that makes their heads spiral deep into an abyss.
As for me, I have fought successfully against the cravings. But I have had to pay a terrible price for my addiction. I can’t become a mother………
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