How NOT to promote your site- part 2

PART 2 - Technical methods

1. Get your engineers to install a "robots.txt" file written in such a way to exclude ALL search engines, especially the truly evil content-stealing Google. Also include the "nofollow, noindex" meta-tag to all your pages just to make sure!

2. You should also get your engineers to block all IPv4 addresses from 0.0.0.0 to 255.255.255.255 as they are all used by sneaky search engines trying to steal your precious content. If your engineers try to convince you that you are blocking the entire Internet just ignore them, they are just "techies" and they don't really understand how business works.

3. It's important to get the text looking just right and the easiest way to render every item as an image, the bigger the better. Use as little text as possible in your pages - in any case, most of it should be behind a pay-wall!

4. The "Description" meta-tag is only used by nerds so leave it blank along with the title tag. The "Keyword" meta-tag should be stuffed with words relating to pornography, on no account put any words relevant to your business there in case Google or any other evil search engine finds and steals it.

5. Everyone now has 10 giga-bit Internet access these days so silly, geeky things "load-speed" and "file size" are now, thankfully, irrelevant. This presents some amazing new opportunities; like insisting all visitors are forced to watch a 30 minute HD video on how wonderful your company is. If anybody tries to get past it, the Digital Millennium Copyright Act (DMCA) is your friend.

6. Everyone these days has a 48" plasma monitor attached to their PCs so, use all that screen real-estate, only cash-less kids use iPads and iPhones which means they can be ignored.